


It Happened Slowly

by blackparadehowell (lester_howell_fanfics)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-14 05:03:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10529502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lester_howell_fanfics/pseuds/blackparadehowell
Summary: Phil is in love with his best friend. But can he have that happy ending?





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic I wrote for a writing competition over on tumblr (@phanficwritingcomp) and I can now post it!

It Happened Slowly 

2009 

The first time Phil Lester saw Dan Howell, it was a cold October morning. The black-haired boy’s hands shook nervously by his sides. He couldn’t focus on anything. His eyes darted around the train station, looking for the boy he had spent months talking to. An intoxicating combination of fear, anticipation and excitement filled the him. Dan was almost here. 

In the corner of his eye, he spotted a ridiculously tall person with dark hair bump into a woman. He laughed quietly and started towards him. 

His eyes lit up when he saw Phil. A nervous smile covered his young face. Finally, Phil threw his arms around his best friend.

“Hi, Dan,” he said, still trembling. 

Dan laughed, “Hey, Philly.”

“Do you want some help with those bags?”

The boy looked down at the pile of things he had carelessly let fall to the ground. “Uh, yeah, thanks,” he murmured nervously.

Phil threw one of his backpacks over his shoulder. He could feel Dan’s eyes on him. Butterflies flew around his stomach. 

“Are you ready to film that video?” Phil asked, starting towards the exit. 

He pulled out a scrunched-up piece of paper from his pocket. Questions were hand-written in a messy scrawl. “I’ve always been ready, Mr Lester.”

2010

“Phiiiiiilllllll!” Dan called out, his stuff dragging on the walls as he tried to get through the door. 

The black-haired boy smiled and jumped off his couch to go and help his best friend. 

“How many videos have you got planned?” Phil asked as he pressed himself against the wall to let Dan through.

“Three,” Dan puffed, heaving his stuff through the tiny apartment.

“Why’d you bring all this? You could have just put your SD card in my camera and used my stuff, you know.”

“Yeah, but if I broke it, neither of us have the money to replace it.”

“You’re going to break your stuff doing this.”

“It’s already shit,” Dan laughed. 

He was right. 

“Don’t worry next time, Dan, I’d rather you break my stuff than yours.” 

“I might just take you up on that if you’re not careful,” he said as he began to set up his equipment. 

Phil smiled and leaned against the wall. His eyes were fixated on the boy. His hands moved so quickly, yet they made no mistakes. Within a matter of minutes, Dan’s stuff was position and the camera was ready to record.

“Do you want to get lunch first?” Dan asked. 

Phil turned his head to the side. “No, I ate just before. There’s stuff in the fridge. Or if you’re feeling rich I could get you something while you film.”

The boy smiled, “Your shout?”

Phil giggled, opening his laptop and sitting at his dining table. 

The familiar stirring of his feelings for Dan made him blush. 

2011

In his hand, Phil felt the pieces of the lock fall into place. The door creaked open. Inside was nothing but darkness. Dan giggled behind him. His hand felt around for the switch. With a flick, light flooded the room. 

“I get the bigger room!” Phil sang, swinging open the door to the master bedroom. 

“What, no way!” Dan whined, rushing to see it. 

“I have more subscribers that you, so it’s mine,” said Phil.

Dan groaned loudly and sulked off to see his own bedroom. It was substantially smaller and en-suite-less. Phil laughed at him. 

An hour later, the two boys were sat in the empty living room with an empty pizza box. Laughter filled the air. 

“I think the couch goes here and the TV there,” Dan said, pointing towards the two sides of the room with the final piece of pizza crust. 

Phil rolled his eyes, “No, it would get too much glare there. It needs to go here.”

Dan laughed, “Alright, then. You win. I can’t lose Halo because of the sun.”

“You’ll lose at Halo anyway,” Phil snickered. 

“No, I’m great when you’re not there, you just distract me with your pretty eyes,” Dan insisted. 

Blood rushed to Phil’s cheeks, making his face go bright red. The two boys giggled as Phil tried to hide it. A slight tug pulled at his heart. 

2012

Dan flopped on the couch beside Dan. They had done it. Their first radio show. 

“I think I peed myself forty-seven times,” Phil laughed. 

“Me, too. But we did a good job, didn’t we?”

“Yeah. I hope so.”

Dan sat up and looked at Phil. “Do you think we might get offered jobs at BBC Radio 1?”

The older boy smiled. “Maybe.”

Together, they just sat in the moment, proud of what they had accomplished. Eventually, Dan spoke.   
“Hey, Phil?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I’ve been thinking about stuff…and I’m really sorry for everything that I’ve said this year. To you, to the people who watch our videos. You mean the world to me, Phil. Nothing will ever change that.”

Suddenly the memories of the last year came flooding back to Phil. All the happiness drained out of him in a second. 

“I…I don’t know what to say, Dan.”

The boy nodded.

Silence filled the room. Neither of them knew what to say. Dan shifted uncomfortably. He stood up, taking his laptop with him. Phil listened to him moving through the walls. Eventually he heard the shower. Numbness spread through Phil. 

He tried to edit his new video, but eventually he got sick of listening to himself talk about his life like there was something happening other than this thing with Dan. It had put a sour undertone through everything. He’d probably have to refilm the video.

Was there anything that could possibly make things okay again?

Despite everything, Phil couldn’t help but dread the pang of feelings he had for Dan. He quickly forgot about them.

2013

Slowly, the numbers ticked over. It was getting closer. Dan sat on the couch in their office, his leg bouncing up and down. One million subscribers for Dan’s YouTube channel was just moments away. 

“I’m going to buy so many bottles of wine,” he said, adjusting his fringe with his hand. 

Phil laughed. “I’ll drink them with you.”

“Good.”

Then it happened. 

Dan yelled, almost throwing his laptop across their office. 

It was 2am, but Phil was wide awake as he was consumed by a bone crunching hug by his best friend. He shoved his feelings for him away before they could even begin to make themselves known.

2014

Phil’s eyes fluttered open as the sounds of Dan’s piano filled the house. He checked his phone. 5am. What the hell was he doing? A part of Phil wanted to get up and tell him to go back to bed, but then he was far too comfortable to get up. 

“Dan!” he called, “what are you doing?” 

The music stopped, and Dan laughed softly from the other room. “What do you think I’m doing, Philly?”

The black-haired boy groaned and rolled over. 

“You should appreciate my beautiful melodies instead of complaining.”

“You should go to bed.”

Dan chuckled and began to play an old Radiohead song. Phil’s exhausted mind couldn’t think of what it was called. 

He tried to go back to sleep, but the sound of Dan’s fingers moving over the piano keys in perfect harmony hypnotized him. 

In the depths of his heart, he tried to reach out to Dan. He craved a connection to somebody. Of course, he already had one with Dan, but his greed desperately wanted more. Always more. 

With a tender touch, Phil took his mind away from Dan. 

2015

Dan stirred quietly and opened his eyes. “Did you eat all the Malteasers?”

Phil smiled, showing him the empty bag. The other boy shook his head. 

“We need to take aesthetic pictures under the cherry blossom trees when we get to Tokyo. They’ll love it,” Phil said, a wide smile covering his face. 

Dan giggled softly, “Yeah, we should.”

A few people around them started giving them nasty looks. Almost everyone else was asleep on the plane headed to Japan. Dan ignored them, but Phil couldn’t stop thinking it.

“Are you still tired?” Phil asked, noticing the dark circles under Dan’s eyes.

“You should go to sleep, Philly,” Dan muttered, his face nuzzling back into the pillow. 

Phil spoke softly, “No, I’m alright. You sleep. I never sleep on planes.”

“Fine. Don’t complain to me when you’re jetlagged for the whole trip.”

“Yeah, I’ll sleep when we get to the hotel,” he laughed.

“Good, let me enjoy Tokyo with Duncan and Memei,” Dan said, sleep dripping from his voice. 

As Dan drifted into unconsciousness again, Phil’s mind started to wander. He loved Dan. He didn’t know exactly in what way, but he knew that he did. Dan had been the most stable and constant thing he had ever experienced. Being around him felt so natural. His absence was almost unsettling now. 

His smile.

The way he loses it when the game doesn’t work.

His eyes.

The sound of his laughter.

The unwavering kindness that exists inside of him, no matter how much he tries to deny it. 

Then he caught himself. No. He couldn’t afford to lose it now. They had a book to finish and they were going to start working on their stage show soon. He couldn’t fall in love with Dan. Could he?

No.

Quickly, Phil shoved the romantic thoughts of Dan away, forcing himself to think of something else. But no matter what he did, the idea of holding Dan’s hand or kissing his soft lips wouldn’t leave him alone. Fear rose in the pit of his stomach. What if he was already in love with Dan?

No. 

He clumsily grabbed his headphones from the overhead compartment, putting an old My Chemical Romance album on full volume. 

But it was Dan’s favorite song. 

Frustrated with himself and even angrier at his emotions, Phil stood up and walked towards the bathroom. He caught the stewardess giving him an odd look. He didn’t care. 

In the tiny little mirror, Phil stared at himself. Tears were flooding his eyes. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t just be Dan’s friend. Slowly, Phil fell apart in the tiny room. 

‘Phil? Is that you?” Dan’s voice came from outside. Panic surged through Phil’s body. In a second, he was off the ground and looking at himself again. His eyes were puffy. He cursed under his breath. Quickly, he splashed himself in the face with water and turned to open the door. 

Dan stood there, with his perfect face and an overwhelming look of concern about him. “Phil, are you okay?”

He didn’t even think. Phil stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Dan. The taller boy kept asking questions, but he didn’t answer them. Silent sobs racked Phil’s body and tears rolled down his pale cheeks. He was in love with Dan Howell. 

2022

Phil’s palms were sweating. Nervously, he adjusted the bowtie around his neck. Today was the day. 

There was a quiet tap at the door.

“Come in!” Phil called. 

The door swung open. Dan walked in, dressed in the most stunning suit. His hair was swept carefully to the side. He looked beautiful. 

“You ready, Philly?” he asked, smiling and patting his best friend on the shoulder. Phil laughed quietly.

He walked over to the window and looked out over London. Rain fell from the sky, giving the city a gloomy feeling. Except nothing but joy was radiating from Dan. 

“Come on, they’re waiting for us,” Dan said, picking up Phil’s phone and passing it to him. He shoved it in his pocket and followed Dan out the door. 

~

The two men walked over to the church. White flowers and wedding decorations were everywhere. Guests were already arriving. 

Together, Dan and Phil greeted them, indulging them in their pointless small talk.

Together, Dan and Phil took their places near the altar. 

Together, Dan and Phil waited. 

Then the music started. The door opened. A stunning girl in a pretty white dress began to walk down the aisle. 

A horrifying mixture of complete hopelessness and utter delight surged through Phil as he watched Dan marry the woman of his dreams. This was it. Dan would have a future. But Phil would be a much smaller part of it than he had hoped. As the bride and groom kissed, Phil had to look away. He couldn’t help but wish it was him. 

2029

In the garden, they played. A small boy, bouncing around on his little legs. An older girl, with pretty brown curls just like her father’s. Phil smiled softly as he watched them. 

Footsteps came from behind him. Dan appeared, taking a sip out of a can of alcohol. 

“Hey, Philly.”

“Hello,” he replied, keeping his eyes on the children. 

Dan shifted uncomfortably. “How’s work?”

Phil shrugged. “Same as usual, really. Just editing. More editing. What about you?”

“The same really. Except I’m dealing with YouTubers, fixing their issues and providing for their endless needs,” he said, his voice becoming depressed. 

“At least it pays the bills,” Phil laughed, finally looking at Dan. His warm brown eyes offered sanctuary, peace even. But he couldn’t take it. 

Dan smiled. “Yeah, Lily wants to take the kids to Ireland, see her family. We’ve been saving up, I think we might have enough soon.”

“That will be nice.”

“How’s Manchester? God, you moved back there so long ago now,” Dan said, taking a sip from his drink. 

Phil grimaced, “Yeah, Manchester’s good.”

“You should come down here more. I miss you,” Dan said, his eyes locked on Phil’s.

Phil looked away.

“Dan! Can you help me with this fucking dishwasher? I think it’s broken!” Lily called, her Irish accent as thick as it was when they met the red-haired girl. 

In a second, the man was gone. Phil turned to see him in the kitchen, bending down to look at it. He laughed softly to himself. Dan would be as useful as one of the kids. 

“Alex, Charlie! Come on, time to get inside, it’ll be dark soon!” Dan said, his head poking out of the back door. Tired, the two kids moved towards the house. Phil followed them. 

Inside, the house was eerily similar to the apartment he used to share with Dan. Phil spotted Dan’s ten million subscriber diamond play button in the corner of his eye.

He shoved the thought aside. Where was his phone? He could have sworn he’d left it on his jacket…

“Dan? Have you seen my phone?” Phil asked, walking into the kitchen. 

The dark-haired man frowned. “No, I-”

“DAD! PHIL GOT A TEXT FROM A BOY!” Charlie yelled, running into the room with Phil’s phone. Dan grabbed it from his son, passing it back to its owner without looking at it. 

Phil could see Dan and Lily talking to their son, but he couldn’t hear any of it. He looked down at his phone. Text messages from a man he’d flirted with at a bar the night before were opened. A feeling of sickness rose in his stomach. 

“Phil? Are you alright, love?” Lily asked, touching his arm. Phil jumped back, his eyes locked with Dan’s. The other man’s watched him carefully. 

“I…I need to go,” Phil murmured, before turning and grabbing his jacket from the table. His feet moved him towards the front door. 

He wasn’t aware of what was going on until he was driving away. In his rear-view mirror, Dan and his family stood on their driveway watched him go.

2030

In a quiet coffee shop on the outskirts of London, Phil sipped at a hot chocolate. His eyes swept across the people chatting and enjoying themselves on the cold Tuesday morning. But he didn’t care about them. He was looking for Dan.

He’d told himself the other man wouldn’t come here. It was a work day, he’d be taking Charlie and Alex to school and going to work. So would Lily. As soon as Phil was done with his work in London, he’d be catching a train back to Manchester. 

But of course, nothing could go the way he wanted. The bell on the front door chimed, and in walked the man Phil had promised himself he’d never had to see again. He felt his entire body tense. 

At first, Dan didn’t notice him. Then as he was turning away from the barista, his eyes saw Phil’s. He didn’t quite know what to do. Phil watched him shuffle uncomfortably towards him, his movements jerky and unsure. He sat down in the chair across from Phil and set his coffee carefully on the table. 

Neither of them spoke for several minutes. 

“I’m sorry, Dan,” Phil said quickly, lowering his eyes. 

“I…I don’t think I understand why…” 

Phil swallowed loudly. Tears stung at his eyes. He had to do this. 

“I’m gay,” Phil murmured, “and I am in love with you.”  
Dan’s eyes widened. “I’m bisexual,” he said quickly. 

Phil smiled softly. “I know.”

Inside, Phil was kicking himself. How could he do this to Dan? He’s happily married – with children – and now he decides to inform him of the fact that he’s in love with him? This was wrong. He needed to leave. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Instead, he kept his eyes down and continued sipping at his drink like a coward. 

“And I was in love with you too, Phil,” Dan said, his beautiful brown eyes melting. 

Shock gripped Phil. This wasn’t happening. Before he could stop it, he felt a tear run down his cheek. 

“When did you realise?” Dan asked.

“It happened slowly.”

Dan smiled, “Damn it, I should have told you before. Maybe we could have had a future, you know? A dog, a house, maybe we could have adopted some kids-”

“Aren’t you happy with Lily?” Phil asked, his words rushed.

“Of course. I am. Lily and my kids are my world. But you were long before they came into my life, Phil. I didn’t think you felt the same way. So I moved on. God, I shouldn’t have,” Dan said, shaking his head. 

Suddenly, Phil realized he was crying. He didn’t know why. Was it because he was realizing how much he had lost just because he wasn’t brave enough to speak up? Or was it that Dan was happy, even if he wasn’t a part of the picture? 

Dan stood up from his seat and moved his chair next to Phil’s. Carefully, he wrapped his arms around the other man, letting his tears dampen his crisp white shirt. 

“I’m so sorry for what happened last time we saw each other, Philly,” Dan said, rubbing Phil’s back. The black-haired man pulled away. 

Phil wiped his eyes with a napkin. “No, it’s okay, Charlie didn’t understand, he didn’t know what he was doing. This is my fault, I’m the one who didn’t respond to your phone calls. You came all the way to Manchester to find me and I hid at my parent’s house for a week.” 

“It wasn’t the first time I’d gone up north to see you,” Dan whispered. Phil looked up at him. God, he was beautiful. How had they ended up like this? 

“What do we do now, Dan?” Phil asked, tears still rolling down his face. 

The other man became quiet for a moment. His face was deep in thought. “I don’t know, Philly. I want to see you. You’re still my best friend. But I don’t know if that’s really the best thing for you, you know? Have you been dating?”

Phil laughed, “No, not seriously.”

Dan’s mouth pressed into a hard line. “You haven’t moved on from me, have you?” 

Phil shook his head. “No. I haven’t. It’s been twenty years, and I’m still just as in love with you as I was then, Dan.” 

The man’s face turned red. He moved quickly away from Phil, the gold ring on his left hand shining in the light. 

“I think I should go,” Phil said, shoving his things in his satchel. Dan didn’t move. 

Phil was halfway towards to the door when Dan called his name, “Phil! Kiss me.” 

The black-haired man froze. This was what he had always wanted. Slowly, he turned to see him. 

In his mind, memories of the last two decades flashed in his mind. Manchester’s train station, the nights in his apartment, their videos, London, the books, the tour. Everything that had made his life worth living. It was all standing in front of him. 

But he just couldn’t. He couldn’t take that man away from the life he had worked so hard to get. He had a wife and children. There was no way this could ever work out between them. Despite it causing a deep pain in his chest, Phil knew what he had to do. 

“I can’t. I’m sorry, Dan. I need to move on. Goodbye.”

As he walked out, everything was screaming at him to turn back. But he kept moving forward. He had to. It was the only way he could live. 

When he reached the end of the street, he allowed himself one final glance back to the coffee shop. Dan was standing outside, his coffee in his hand. A smile covered his face. With his left hand, he raised two fingers to his forehead and saluted. Just like in his first video. 

And that was the last time Phil Lester saw Dan Howell.


End file.
